Your Child's Inner World

As we discussed in Chapter 2, children with autism experience and express love, attachment, and emotions in different ways from their typically developing peers -- but this difference doesn't mean there's any less richness or depth to their inner world. In this chapter, we'll look at perspectives that can help you understand your child's inner world.

Expressing Emotions Differently Is Not the Same as Having None

Many autistic children and adults may find it hard to show their emotions through facial expressions or tone of voice in the "expected" way. This is sometimes called "alexithymia" (difficulty recognizing and naming emotions) and is seen more often in people with autism than in the general population. But this means emotions are processed and expressed differently, not that they're absent. One child might experience great joy quietly, turning inward; another might express that same joy through intense physical movement (jumping, hand-flapping).

Difficulties With Emotion Regulation

The sensory overload and accompanying anxiety we discussed in Chapters 8 and 13 directly affect emotion regulation. What looks like an "overreaction" -- a behavioral outburst -- may actually be the overflowing of accumulated sensory and emotional load. Seen from this angle, behavioral outbursts aren't "bad behavior" but a sign that, in that moment, the capacity to regulate has been exceeded.

A Simple Analogy

You can think of emotion regulation like a cup filling up: throughout the day, small sensory and emotional loads that build up (bright light, an unexpected sound, the intensity of social demands) slowly fill the cup. A behavioral outburst is the moment the cup overflows -- the last drop is usually something small and seemingly trivial, but the real cause is the load that built up all day long.

Attachment and Love: Different Languages

As we noted in Chapter 2, autistic children may express their love in "languages" all their own: wanting to play a particular game with you over and over, drawing you into a certain routine, showing you a special object, or simply being near you, not talking but comfortable. Recognizing and responding to these "love languages" powerfully nourishes your bond with your child.

Tip / Practical Suggestion

Notice the ways your child connects with you, and value them. Instead of feeling sad that "they don't hug me," reframe it: "They want to show me this game again and again -- this is their way of showing me closeness."

Talking to Your Child About Autism

As your child grows (see Chapter 12, adolescence), when and how to talk with them about their autism becomes an important question. The general recommendation is not to put this conversation off until a single "big reveal" moment, but to have it gradually from an early age, using age-appropriate, clear, and positive language: you might start with simple, affirming statements like, "Your brain senses some things differently, and that's also the source of your strengths." Research suggests that children who learn about their autism early and in a positive frame develop a healthier sense of self and self-esteem.

When to Seek Advice

If you notice sudden withdrawal, a marked loss of interest in things your child once cared about, significant changes in sleep and appetite, or self-harming behavior or thoughts, don't simply write it off as an "autism symptom" -- be sure to consult a mental health professional.